


My ass is just as good as Andrew Garfield's, thank you very much

by gingerbreadlatte



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Andrews Garfield's Ass, Angst, But only a bit, Derek Hale wearing spandex, Determined Derek, Jealous Derek, M/M, Oblivious Stiles, talking about asses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-03
Updated: 2015-07-03
Packaged: 2018-04-07 11:48:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4262223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gingerbreadlatte/pseuds/gingerbreadlatte
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How come his ass wasn’t good enough for Stiles anymore? Stiles had saved it enough times to know what it look like. With a pair of jeans covering it anyway. Maybe that was it. Maybe Stiles needed to see the full effect of it? He couldn’t just flash it to him, that would probably freak him out. But surely he would get away with spandex...</p>
<p>or</p>
<p>Stiles rants about Andrew Garfield's ass. Derek gets jealous. He tries to seduce Stiles by making his ass even better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My ass is just as good as Andrew Garfield's, thank you very much

“But, Scott! It is the epitome of perfection! It was clearly carved by the Greek Gods and let me tell you I absolutely must go to Mount Olympia to thank them because Stiles here cannot express exactly how happy he is to have seen that thing in high definition on you 50” plasma TV!”

Scott and Stiles barged into the apartment and there was no way that Derek could even pretend to be surprised by their presence. Derek wouldn’t be surprised if the whole building had heard Stiles’s rant. It was hardly quiet or short lived.

“Stiles,” Scott whined, “I don’t need to hear about this! You’ve been going on about it since last night. Seriously, bro, there is no way you can ever accuse me of being this bad with Allison.”

“I can too accuse you of being this bad because you were, Scott McCall! Also, it’s not like it isn’t well-founded. I mean, dat ass! Oh my God the things I would do to that ass!” Stiles stared into space for a few moments before Scott slapped him on the arm, “Ew come on, man! That is not something I need to picture. Ever.”

Derek stared.

“Scott, I have heard you describe your’s and Allison’s sex life in excruciating detail. You do not get to pull that card on me! Also, I’m the one who paid for the pizza last night so you should be humouring me!”

Scott pouted, “You didn’t even get meat feast though, Stiles. You got barbecue chicken! You know how I feel about barbecue chicken! It’s a waste of chicken. You’re just covering it in this mediocre sauce and-”

“Don’t you dare call the best sauce in the world ‘mediocre’! Take that back this instant, Scotty, my man, or else your paying for pizza for the rest of the year!”

Derek was saved from any more of this childish argument by Lydia flouncing into the room, towing Jackson behind her. Allison, Erica, Boyd and Isaac followed them in in a more leisurely fashion. He would spare a thought to sympathise with Jackson but he was too busy being grateful for the interruption to pay him any mind.

“Stiles. What on earth are you two talking about?”

“Well, we were talking about the best ass in the world but then Scott got us sidetracked.” Stiles sent a withering glare in his best friend’s direction.

Both of Derek’s hands clenched into fists. He’d heard Stiles say that Derek’s ass was the best in the world a few months ago. Why had he been demoted? Was his ass not good enough anymore?

Lydia looked between the two of them in confusion, “The best ass in the world?”

“Yep.”

“You mean Andrew Garfield’s?”

“Yes! It’s just so squeezable and ugh I just want to lick it, you know? That ass, oh my, that ass…” Stiles trailed off and his eyes glazed over slightly and Derek felt his chest fill with jealousy. Who was this Andrew Garfield and what made his ass so much better than Derek’s?

Lydia clicked her fingers in front of Stiles’s face and he startled out of his reverie.

“Sorry. I just, it’s so distracting. It’s because it’s so beautiful. Really fucking beautiful.”

She raised an eyebrow at him, “You had another movie night last night didn’t you?”

Stiles nodded at her.

“Spiderman?”

“Affirmative.”

She rolled her eyes and turned her attention to Scott, “How could you let this happen? I know Andrew Garfield has a great ass and all but you know his brain goes to mush for a week straight after he’s seen it!”

Scott wilted under her glaze, “I couldn’t help it! He said he’d pay for the pizza, Lydia. You can’t refuse an opportunity like that!”

“You are too easily bought, McCall. Raise your standards.”

“My standards are high enough, thank you very much,” Scott retorted, “I have Allison.”

Derek cleared his throat before anything could escalate any further, “Right. Since we’re all here, I think it’s time we start the meeting.”

—————————————

Derek lay alone in bed that night. He couldn’t sleep, which was no surprise thanks to Stiles’s earlier comments about some guy’s ass.

Why did this Andrew guy get invited to a movie night with Scott and Stiles, too? Especially when Derek wasn’t even invited. And who goes to watch movies at somebody else’s house dressed up as Spiderman? That just wasn’t cool. Especially if he was shoving his ass in Stiles’s face like it sounded. Who even does that?

What should make their his ass so special, anyway? Derek had a nice ass, too. He knew it because he’d caught people checking out on regular occasions. Not to mention the many free drinks he’d received as a result of him flaunting it slightly more than necessary at bars.

So yeah. How come his ass wasn’t good enough for Stiles anymore? Stiles had saved it enough times to know what it look like. With a pair of jeans covering it anyway.

Maybe that was it. Maybe Stiles needed to see the full effect of it? He couldn’t just flash it to him, that would probably freak him out. But surely he would get away with spandex…

A plan began to form in his brain.

—————————————

The next day, Derek decided to do some research on his laptop, just to let him know what he was up against, of course.

Shit.

There was no way Derek could compete with that ass anytime soon. He’d have to put in some serious work to get up to that standard.

He closed the window and decided to write himself a list to get his ass in tip top condition:  
1) Stop eating so much pizza  
2) Go for a run every day, not just when Erica’s annoying him  
3) Join a yoga class  
4) Try out pilates  
5) Start doing squats again  
6) Stay away from the Doritos

He stared glumly at the last item on the list and convinced himself that it was worth it. Well, it would be if it worked.

Sighing, he took another sip of coffee. He needed to make his plan foolproof, and that involved enlisting the help of experts. Derek didn’t really want to go and ask at the gym. He’d be recognised. He couldn’t let news get back to Stiles of what he was doing. No, he had to do this without anyone else finding out. He had to do it anonymously.

The internet it was then.

He made a mental note to delete his browsing history as soon as this was all over.

The first link he found was by Cosmo. Laura used to have a subscription so he figured that it should be a reliable enough source for him.

Derek read through the descriptions of the exercises and watched the short videos that went with them. They looked quite easy actually. Yeah, Derek thought to himself with a small smile on his face, this could definitely work.

—————————————

And so the intensive workouts began.

No one really noticed at first but Derek gradually started transforming one of the spare rooms into a private gym, so that he could still exercise, even if the weather was bad.

First it was the addition of the treadmill. Then there was the yoga mat. The carpet was soon replaced with wooden flooring so as not to absorb the stench of sweat. Derek had an air conditioning system fitted in along with a top quality sound system. When the neighbours started to complain, Derek added sound-proofing to the room, as well.

Derek monitored his progress to show his improvements. He took pictures of his ass, clenched and unclenched, once a week and saved them in his phone under an unnamed folder. He had wanted to stick them on the walls in his new gym but he decided that that might be pushing things too far when the pack came round.

If he compared his photos with those of Andrew Garfield’s, that he’d managed to find online, well, that was his business.

—————————————

Lydia walked in on him during one of his workouts once. He was halfway through a squat and had already built up quite a sweat. He’d actually considered forgoing sweatpants all together; they were always drenched by the time he finished his session. He’s now glad he didn’t.

Lydia stares at him appraisingly for a moment, arching an eyebrow and crossing her arms for the full effect.

Derek gulped.

“Squats, huh?”

Derek nodded and decided to continue, hoping that she’d take the hint and leave him alone.

Unfortunately, luck was not on his side.

“Don’t they help one’s, ah, derrière, shall I say, to become more toned?”

Derek ignored her in favour of starting his sit ups. What? It’s not like he could let his abs be destroyed by focussing solely on his butt. He’d worked hard for this six pack, damn it, and he was not going to let all of that effort go to waste.

“Perhaps, you could even say, make it more lickable? Like something carved by the Greek Gods themselves?”

Derek stared at her in shock.

“Don’t look at me like that, Derek Hale. I know your secret. Don’t worry, though, I won’t tell him, but only because it looks like your finally getting your ass in gear, if you’ll pardon the pun.”

She strolled out of the room, leaving Derek gaping. He wasn’t sure if it was because she’d just called him out on a pretty fucking big secret of his, or because she just used , dare he say it, a pun. Lydia Martin had just used a pun.

Either way, Derek decided to pretend it had never happened and went back to his sit ups.

—————————————

 

The difference was already noticeable in the first few weeks, but Derek wanted his ass to appear really impressive and, if possible, as if it were ‘carved by the Greek Gods’, to use Stiles’s wording.  
Therefore, he continued working for 3 months. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither was a perfect ass, Derek liked to think. By the end of the 3 months, he had to admit that he was really proud of the finished result and couldn’t wait to show it off to Stiles.

Luckily for him, it was Halloween next week.

—————————————

Erica was banging on his door at 9am, “Hale! Get that divine ass of yours out here; we’re going shopping.”

Derek groaned and rolled over, burying his face in his pillow.

“Derek Hale don’t you dare ignore me! Let me in this instance before your neighbours all join me out here! Believe me when I tell you that I am not above kicking this door down!”

Derek rolled his eyes and spared a thought for his sanity, wondering when exactly he became a lapdog answering to Erica’s every beck and call. Realising it was a futile endeavour, Derek rolled out of bed and went to answer the door.

“Finally! What took you so long?” Erica demanded.

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe it had something to do with the fact that I was sleeping,” Derek drawled, “My apologies if that inconvenienced you.”

“It’s okay. You can make it up to me. In case you hadn’t noticed, it’s Halloween next week and, as far as I’m aware, you haven’t picked out an outfit yet.”

As a matter of fact. Derek knew exactly who he was going as, and, what he was going to be wearing. He feigned casualness though, and responded with a put on sigh, “Yes, Erica, I was already aware of that. I haven’t got around to getting anything yet, though.”

“Well, now’s the perfect opportunity. I’ll help myself to breakfast while you go and have a shower,” at Derek’s slightly shocked face, she added, “I know you keep pop tarts in the cupboard above the sink for when Stiles is around. One of those will do nicely.”

Derek huffed, “Erica…I’ll sort out my costume but, come on, it’s a Saturday morning. I’m meant to be sleeping right now. It’s my day off from early morning runs!” Derek tried to say all of this without sounding like a petulant child but didn’t even need to see the look on Erica’s face to know that he’d failed.

“I know. That’s why I came today instead of yesterday. Lord knows what would happen if I disrupted your exercise routine. Your ass might not be dazzling enough to seduce Stiles and then the world would end!”

Derek was positive his heart just skipped a beat.

“Oh, come on, it’s not like everyone other than Scott and Stiles knows or anything.” Erica rolls her eyes and flicks her hair, while Derek wills himself to not react. Instead he draws his eyebrows together to form the most intimidating scowl he can manage and stalks off towards the shower, before she can say anything else, although Lord knows what she could say to make the situation any more uncomfortable for him.

—————————————

Derek walked out of the changing rooms for the sixth time, groaning internally but knowing that he’s the only one to blame for this situation.

He takes another few steps forward and stops, allowing Erica to drop down and inspect his ass. Normally he’d feel slightly uncomfortable from such blatant objectification but deep in the back of his mind, he knows that this will help him to get Stiles to notice him.

Erica hums for a few moments before moving up his body and checking his abs and his biceps in turn. She then makes him do a final turn and nods her head in approval.

This time, he sighs out loud and is grateful when Erica doesn’t admonish him. It’s probably because she recognises it as a sound of relief rather than anything else and, to be fair, who could blame him?

“Come on, I want a milkshake. Checking you out is really tiring. There’s so much to see!” At Derek’s feeble protest she made a vague hand gesture, “Don’t worry. You can get a frozen yoghurt or something equally boring. I will admit, though, that you’re doing it for a good cause.”

“For love?”

“Love? Ha, no. You’re ass. I’m surprised you’ve managed to stay single for Stiles over the last 3 months. There’s no way you haven’t been having people throw themselves at you.”

Derek blushed, “Well yeah, but what’s different about that to normal?” before Erica could make a sarcastic remark, he added on to the end in a quieter and more vulnerable voice, “Also, it’s quite easy. None of them are Stiles.”

“Wow.” Erica breathed out, “I had no idea it was this serious.”

Derek nodded his head sadly, “Yeah. It’s pretty fucking serious. That’s why I’ve been working so hard. If it doesn’t work out then I don’t know what I’ll do.” he shrugged self-deprecatingly.

Erica observed him with sympathy before nudging him gently, “It’ll work out.” she told him softly.  
“How do you know?” Derek asked in a small voice.

“Stiles has been gone on you for as long as you have been for him. Perhaps for even longer.”

Derek smiled softly, “I hope so.”

“Also, who could resist that ass? There’s no doubt that Emma Stone would leave Andrew Garfield for that in a heartbeat!”

“Who’s Emma Stone?”

—————————————

It was finally Halloween. Derek was trembling with nerves. What was he thinking? Stiles wasn’t shallow enough to choose someone just because their ass looked good in a spandex Halloween costume! He should have been going to a therapist and fixing his grumpy personality. Making himself a person that Stiles could grow old with.

But Derek had worked so hard for this and there was no way that Erica would let him back down. Plus, she’d threatened to involve Lydia if he even thought about trying to flee before even talking to Stiles.

Derek did not want to experience Lydia’s wrath. Heartbreak might be preferable to that. Derek would probably have a better idea by the end of the night.

“Derek! Come out of there already! We’re leaving in a few minutes and there is no way that I’ll let you make us late. Boyd and I are entering the couples’ costume competition and I want first place damn it!”

Derek opened the door reluctantly and resisted the urge to complain when Erica didn’t even bother to hide the fact that she was checking him out while her boyfriend was standing right behind her. Derek wished she didn’t make the noises of approval. While he knew that she’d always be faithful to Boyd, it still made him uncomfortable.

“Looking good, man. Don’t worry, Stiles won’t be able to resist.” Derek smiled at Boyd appreciatively and made his way to the front door, grabbing his keys on the way out, “I’m driving. No arguing.”

—————————————

By the time they arrived, everything was in full swing. Derek had to hand it to Lydia, she really knew how to organise the best parties.

She handed him a bottle of cold beer and appraised his costume with a smirk, “Oh, sweetie, Stiles isn’t going to know what’s hit him. In fact, I’m having a hard time not jumping you myself.” she winked at him lasciviously and then walked out of the room, her heels clacking on the hardwood floor.

Derek looked around the room and realised that he didn’t recognise anyone, so he didn’t bother attempting to socialise. He wasn’t in the mood for it anyway; he just wanted to see Stiles. He put his Spiderman mask on and decided to wander around alone until he saw Stiles.

He heard him before he saw him, of course.

“Dude! I think Andrew Garfield’s here! Scott, look!”

“Stiles, what are you talking about?”

“Perfection. Divinity. Home. The definition of-”

“Stiles, just speak normally for once please. Seriously I do not want to hear another metaphor about s-”

“THAT ASS!”

The whole room fell silent and looked from Stiles to where he was pointing.

Derek wanted to die.

He looked around and tried to not let the blatant ogling cause his cheeks to flush. He failed. At that moment, he couldn’t be more grateful for the mask.

His eyes locked onto Stiles’s and he saw the flash of recognition in the man’s eyes.

Derek knew he was screwed, so he did the only logical thing he could do, he left the room as quickly as humanly possible.

He walked outside and sat down by the pool, trying to pretend that the events which had just taken place hadn’t really occurred.

He took a sip of beer to try and distract himself.

Derek wasn’t sure how much time had passed when Stiles came out and found him.

“Hey.” Stiles murmured,

Derek stood up and turned around, facing him and giving him his full attention.

“Look, Derek, I uh, I know that you have a pretty great face, I mean, uh, poker face but could you please take off the mask? I want to be able to see you when we have this conversation. I need to see what you really think. What you really feel.”

Derek’s breath hitched and hesitated slightly, before reaching up and removing his mask in one swift motion.

Stiles smiled softly and rubbed the back of his neck self-consciously, “Sorry about, uh, what happened back there.”

Derek raised an eyebrow and nodded. He didn’t offer anything more; he knew that Stiles didn’t expect anything more. He looked down and stared at his beer bottle, waiting for when Stiles spoke again.

“I had a point though, you know.”

“A point?”

“Your ass! I was totally justified in noticing it. It was just there, in all it’s butt-glory! I’m pretty sure that there were several people in that room who would have gone home with you just from your butt. Your face and the rest of your body be damned!”

Derek felt a flush rise through his body, spreading to the tips of his ears. He cursed himself for allowing others to have such an effect on him. He felt a sudden boost or confidence at the words, though, forming a burst of bravery, “And, you?”

“Me what?” Stiles sputtered, confused and overwhelmed. The conversation was not supposed to focus on him at any point.

“Would you have gone home with my ass?”

Stiles stared at him, speechless. His mouth opened and closed a few times, as though he were struggling to form a coherent thought, let alone actual words. Derek waited with bated breath. His heart was beating against his ribcage while he both anticipated and dreaded the answer. He looked down at his feet to avoid eye contact. Eventually Stiles seemed to come around.

“I would go home with the whole of you.” he said, jutting his chin out with a false air of confidence.

Derek’s eyes snapped up to Stiles’s, his jaw slack, “Really?”

“Of course. I thought you knew. I thought everyone knew.”

Derek surged up and kissed him like he’d been wanting to for months. His hands ran all over the other man’s body as he put everything he had into the kiss. Stiles responded automatically with just as much passion and enthusiasm, reaching his hands down to Derek’s ass, making him groan and thrust his hips in surprise.

Stiles smirked but didn’t stop kissing. Derek wasn’t sure he wanted this kiss to ever end. He thrust his tongue into Stiles’s mouth, exploring, desperate to discover everything there was to know.

He pushed forward, intending to back Stiles up against the nearest surface possible. Unfortunately for Derek and Stiles, the only thing behind Stiles was the pool. They fell in with a huge splash, both becoming drenched within a matter of seconds and Stiles flailing his arms around madly.

“What the hell?”

“Shit, Stiles, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to, I swear!”

Stiles moved in closer to Derek and wrapped his arms around him, Derek tugged him closer automatically.

“Don’t worry about it. It happens and, to be honest, you probably did me a favour because, you in sopping wet spandex? That is definitely a sight that I appreciate.” he moved in and squeezed Derek’s ass, kissing him tenderly. Derek cupped Stiles’s jaw and tilted his head to improve the angle.

Bright camera flashes went off and the two looked around themselves to see that they had, in fact, attracted a rather large crowd. Erica and Lydia were stood there clutching large cameras with massive grins on their faces.

Derek chuckled and climbed out of the pool, helping Stiles get out after him but not letting go when he was safely on the ground. Stiles hugged him softly and said, “Take me out. On a date. I don’t care where it is, as long as it’s with you.”

Derek smiled broadly but couldn’t stop himself from asking, “What about that Andrew guy?”

“What Andrew guy? I don’t even know an Andrew.” Stiles drew back, confusion all over his face.

“Andrew Garfield.” Derek said quietly, trying to keep any tension out of his voice, hoping he hadn’t just ruined things with Stiles before they even began.

Stiles gaped at him. His mouth opened and closed like a fish, “Are you serious?”

Derek nodded and ducked his head, keeping a firm grip on Stiles’s hips. In the background he could hear Erica laughing raucously in the background.

“You do realise that he’s an actor, right?”

Derek blanched. He looked up at Stiles, “What?”

Stiles burst out laughing while Derek felt himself burning bright red for the third time that evening. No one told him that falling for Stiles and actually acting on his feelings could be so embarrassing!

“Yeah, dude. He was in the Spiderman movies! So cool, man. I can’t believe you haven’t seen them yet. Seriously, everyone, even Lydia, has seen them! Although I have been reliably been informed that the only reason she watched them was for the incredible eye candy…” Stiles trailed off.

“So, uh, he was never, uh, something serious for you?” Derek still felt a slight twinge of jealousy towards this actor-guy but it was quickly receding with every reassurance from Stiles.

“No, of course not! I’ve been hung up on you for I don’t even know how long. Plus, I would never do that to Emma Stone. They’re an awesome couple and they deserve each other. There is no way that I would mess up that, if I even had a shot! I’ve never even met the guy, you know.”

Stiles paused and tilted his head, as if he were contemplating. Derek saw the moment that everything clicked into place in Stiles’s head.

“Wait…were you working out so hard just to make your ass better than his? OH MY GOD YOU WERE TRYING TO MAKE YOUR ASS BETTER THAN ANDREW GARFIELD’S!” 

Derek looked away and tried to pretend that this wasn’t happening, especially not in front of a large crowd where he was sure that several people were now filming this.

“You said he had the best ass in the world!”

“Derek, your ass was always the best. I was just being overly dramatic. It’s been known to happen. Yours always will be the best because it belongs to you. But it’s not just that. Andrew Garfield doesn’t have that sexy brooding look, with a hint of stubble added on, down to perfection like you do.” Stiles paused with a smile on his face, “I would always choose you over Andrew Garfield. And not just because your ass is better.”

Derek thought his face might hurt from smiling so much, but he paid no mind and reeled Stiles in for another kiss.

Stiles pulled away for a moment, breathless, and said, “Plus, I’d never seen yours in spandex before” before diving back in for another kiss.

—————————————

Later, when Derek and Stiles finally had their first official date, Derek invited Stiles over for a romantic evening in. He cooked a meal himself and lit candles, making Stiles fake-swoon.

Instead of bringing flowers, Stiles brought a share pack of Doritos with a homemade dip. Derek laughed and put them to one side for later.

Dinner went swimmingly and if Derek pinched himself surreptitiously to check that it was really happening and not just a figment of his imagination, well, no one had to know. 

Afterwards, they went into the living room, where Derek had rented the latest two Spiderman movies. They watched them curled up on the sofa together while Stiles fed Derek Doritos, leaning up to kiss away the remnants of dip whenever it caught on the side of Derek’s mouth.

Derek absolutely did not spend the majority of the first movie pointing out how his ass was better than Andrew Garfield’s. He couldn’t have said anything during the second because he was too busy making out with Stiles, who happened to have a firm grip on his ass.

Derek couldn’t help but burst with pride when he clenched his ass and Stiles groaned and bucked his hips up from underneath him, “Mmm….you’ve got wonderful __**ass** ets.”

Take that, Andrew Garfield.

**Author's Note:**

> Blame the gif on tumblr of Andrew Garfield clenching and unclenching his ass in the Spiderman costume.
> 
> Kudos and comments are appreciated! :)


End file.
